Let's Try Blogging Again...

 If you've followed my work then you must know that I've been writing far longer than I've been online. I want to thank you all for staying with me for so long. It has NOT been an easy journey.

So for starters, HI...

I've been away from what used to be my most favorite writing platform for almost FIVE years. And I honestly can't tell you all the reason. I didn't stop writing in that time, I just stopped going to Movellas...and for that I'm sorry.

I am not a brilliant blogger. I hate writing about myself. Give me a fantasy land with murdering psychopaths any day. 

But this isn't a fantasy world where I can control what happens. We live in the real world and we have no control over what happens. Maybe that's why I enjoy writing about the personification of Death so much, because at least in my stories...I can control who lives and dies.

A little over a month ago now, I learned my mom passed away suddenly. We'd been estranged for about five years. She did some pretty awful things and the result was me losing my sister for almost four years! But now that she's gone...I feel so lost. I feel so guilty for feeling sad, like I have no right to mourn her. Everyone says that I have every right...but I hadn't even answered her messages on Facebook. What if she was trying to tell me something was wrong? What if I was just too angry no matter how many times I've told myself and others I had forgiven her? How can I mourn her death when I hadn't even told her I forgave her, and I let her die thinking I hated her?

I feel like no one will understand. No one around has lost their mom's. No one around me cut off their parents. I feel guilty for laughing at something on the TV, in a book, or something my friends said. I feel guilty and sad for being happy for just a moment.

I've joined the Dead Mom's Club but I wasn't expecting to be eligible so soon...or at all. What am I supposed to do without her in the world? I thought we'd have more time, that I'd have more time to muster up the courage to tell her I forgave her but I couldn't have her in my life. That I loved her, but she was too Toxic to be allowed anywhere near the little family I had cultivated for myself.

I have to give her Eulogy on the 11th of October and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. I feel like such a hypocrite, my characters would never back down from a few words spoken aloud to family and friends...but I'm not my characters. They are everything I wish I was.

So I'm going to try Blogging again. Maybe that will help me...make sense of this new world I was forced to head in exploration.